epiphany

Rarely are the events in our lives linear, rarely do they make much sense, but if we bend them a little, fold this bit back, bring this part to the front, artfully arrange the pieces not quite the way they fell, we can mold them into a narrative that not only makes sense, but is more flattering and props us up.

All the days of last week were warm and sunny, save one, and that was the day I got divorced. The hearing lasted all of six seconds, enough time for us to shuffle into the judge’s dreary office, exchange buongiornos, sit down, sign three sheets of paper, stand up and shuffle out again.

I blew off work for the rest of the day, ran some errands at government offices and met my ex for lunch. Naturally, in between our unabashed glorification of our children’s many miraculous accomplishments, there was some mundane talk about what went wrong and how we never managed to fix it. I had the salmon, he had the couscous, and then we went to buy some underwear for Ten, who is outgrowing everything he owns.

He looked a little sad when we said goodbye, but not terribly much, although he added, “Che peccato,” which means “Such a shame,” and I nodded, because until then, it had, indeed, seemed precisely that. But even as I nodded, I knew I didn’t mean it. Something had shifted in the six seconds in the judge’s office and, especially, over lunch. I rode off on my bike in the rain and started asking myself what it was.

For four years I’d experienced our failed marriage as exactly that – a shameful failure. And yet I’d never felt the least temptation to give it another try.

So it didn’t last the rest of the life of the one who died first, we did pretty well considering what we had to work with, and what we have now is far better than what we would have had if we’d forced ourselves to stay together to meet other people’s expectations of what a marriage is.

It was a nice little love story. And if I can write it so that it ends when he says, under the shelter of a portico, while I hold a bag of our son’s new underpants in my hand, “Che peccato,” the ending was just right.

Posted in Separation anxiety | 2 Comments

just albanian

Yesterday, a friend asked me to pop in a shop near her apartment and get her a couple of things. I must have said something a little off, or my accent must have slipped through, because the shop owner said, “AHA! You’re not Italian!” Which used to happened to me all the time, and now only rarely, because either everyone I talk to already knows me or I fit in enough to pass as an Italian, or I have my kids with me, and speak to them in English, making it very obvious where I am from and no one thinks I am trying to trick them.

“No,” I confessed.

“What nationality?” he asked.

I smiled.

He raised his voice and enunciated slowly: “What N A T I O N A L I T Y ?”

“Wouldn’t you rather guess?”

“Russian!” he said.

I laughed.

“Ukrainian!” his wife guessed.

I shook my head.

“No, no, Polish!” said another customer in the store. “Or Albanian!”

“I think she’s Russian,” said the shop owner again.

In the end I told them I was American and thanked them for the laugh.

“We never would have guessed American!” they all said as I left the store.

Of course, as soon as I saw her, I asked my friend if I looked Russian. “You could pass as Russian. Not Albanian though!”

I saw another friend later and asked him. “You could be Russian, or even Albanian. I used to see a group of Albanian prostitutes near where I used to work and yeah, you could be Albanian.”

“Albanian or an Albanian prostitute?”

“No, just Albanian.”

Posted in like anyone cares, the neighborhood | 1 Comment

10!

the swings
My kids have swim lessons once a week through their school. A bus picks them up around lunchtime and takes them to the local pool, the same pool where I swim. I like to arrange my schedule so I am there for lap swim while they are having their lesson, and now that I am finally swimming again, I managed to be there last week when they showed up with their classmates.

I spotted Six immediately, but could not find Nine. Where was he? I looked and looked, and as a group of older kids meandered over to the deep pool where I was standing, about to dive in, a friend of Nine’s said ciao, and I said ciao, and that was when I realized that the person next to him, the young man nearly a head taller than this boy, with shoulders almost as broad as my own, that stranger was my son.

His growth, at times, is shocking, and also I am so proud of it, like when, as a new mother, I’d relish the moment when the Polish pediatrician put him on the scales and delighted in how much weight he had gained. I had helped do that! The interminable nursing! It was not in vain!

Now it’s interminable grocery shopping, food preparation, cleaning up, then starting over again.

One night last week, tears came to Nine’s eyes when I cruelly told him the kitchen was closed. It’s after nine o’clock for crying out loud! Then I felt bad: he had eaten all his dinner and there had only been one course. The reason he’d wandered off after dinner was to clean his room, like I’d asked. So I made my starving manchild a couple of extra-large crepes with Nutella, and while I stood at the stove, he hugged me so hard I thought, pretty soon, maybe next time he does that, he’ll lift me off the ground.

We wear the same size shoe and trade shirts and jackets. I recently appropriated the brand new “fancy” shirt I had forced him to wear to Christmas lunch with the relatives this one time only, please. It had been languishing, unworn and unwanted at the bottom of his sweatwhirt drawer since he’d gently informed me that Christmas is the only day he’ll wear what I want. By the time next Christmas comes around he’ll have long outgrown it anyway.

He’s a good kid but increasingly he reminds me of a teenager. He ignores me! He makes fun of me! Whenever I am striving to be stern and serious, he pulls an even sterner, more serious face, and very gravely and very slowly says yeeeeeesssss. I laugh every time. No one makes me feel as stupid as my offspring.

He had his best friends over for a sleepover this weekend, the same group of boys he played with in preschool. I can barely remember what they were like back then; the new versions of these boys are so big and bright, they have replaced my memories of their younger selves. They still play with Legos, but they also say bad words, tell bad jokes, finish off an entire pizza and let rip a belch to laughter and cheers.

With each year that passes, I am more aware that I will be a mother to two men for so much of my life, and I will have been a mother to two little boys for almost no time at all.

Posted in nostalgia, The boys | 6 Comments

ten days to ten

The due date for my eldest son was ten years ago today. April 10, 2005!

He made his appearance ten days later (even now he likes to take his time) but every year I remember the quiver of anticipation this day held in 2005.

Posted in The boys | 2 Comments

selfie

rome2015 133

Posted in picture taking, Travel | 4 Comments

Roma

rome marathon

The kids and I left Friday after school on the train. It is a quick ride down now that we have the Frecciargento, the “Silver Arrow”, and my younger son kept thinking we’d get to see the famous soccer players who pretend to be running the train in the commercial for it. He looked up so expectantly when the ticket controller came by.

Rome is easily my favorite Italian city, not that I know it very well, but I wish I did! It is a bustling city and yet it is laid-back, with such big buildings, yet huge, open spaces and so much light, light, light!

Except the day of the marathon, when it rained.

The boys were going to do the 5k family run with their dad while I ran the marathon, but he changed his mind when he got up and looked outside at the weather. So I said goodbye and headed out on my own, and luckily by 8:30 it wasn’t raining quite so hard. I got to the start a little late because I’d thought I could just jog over to the Colosseum and line up, but there were about 15,400 of us, and not enough space for something quite so simple, and when I got there the staff sent me running back and all the way around the tomb of the unknown soldier, almost to the Bocca della Verità and then back towards the Colosseum, oops!

It really is something starting a marathon in the middle of the Forum, and Rome is magical, even on a dark and rainy morning in the middle of March. I was glad I did it, despite the lack of training, despite how incredibly LONG it seemed at times.

When the rain let up, my ex and the boys decided to come see me along the route – and so just around the 13th km, when I was starting to feel a little tired and was wondering why on earth I’d thought it would be all right to attempt a marathon with not even one long run under my belt, I heard a voice I knew shout, “MOMMY!” and I looked up, and there they were! That got me going again.

I saw them again around the 37th, with only five kilometers to go, and by then I knew I’d be fine and finish easily in under 4 hours.

The way the Rome route is set up makes it very easy for your family and friends to see you multiple times in certain sections, and so after I saw them the second time, I wondered if they wouldn’t make it to the finish before I did. The final kilometers were along narrower streets in the center, with cheers the whole way – it was wonderful! At the 39th, there was a hill that knocked a lot of people out, and at the end of the hill was a dark tunnel, which was just depressing to have looming up ahead. Once we got out of that, though, it was almost over, one more kilometer and then we circled Piazza del Popolo, which was probably the most breathtaking moment of the marathon. It had stopped raining and it almost seemed like the sun might come out (it didn’t). I got my final wind right there, and the last km and a half was a breeze.

My ex and the kids said it looked like I was sprinting the last bit uphill towards the finish line, and just after they shouted my name from the bleachers and I waved, the man I was passing gave me a dirty look. HA!

The end was great, but the race was long and hard. I took it pretty easy and still I definitely felt the lack of training. The beginning and the end were exhilarating, but the 22 miles in between were rough. I don’t know if I would do it again without proper preparation; it is not fun.

That said, you forget the pain immediately. As I crossed the finish, I realized I was going to cry a little – it had been such a long race, but I finished so well, and having my kids there for the first time had made it very special. I was choking myself up as I thought about it, and one of the paramedics just after the finish, in a thick Roman accent, asked, “Tutto bene?” and out popped my biggest smile and a loud, “SI’!”

I am really glad I did it. My arm was fine, and my legs were fine immediately afterwards – we had a fun lunch at a great little place in Campo de’ Fiori afterwards and then went sightseeing for the rest of the afternoon, and wandered around in the evening until we found the perfect place for dinner. We spent the following morning at the Colosseum and the Forum. It was a beautiful, sunny day, of course. Then the boys and I headed back home on the train in the afternoon, and my legs were perfectly fine.

Posted in running, Travel | 7 Comments

running again

There is a predictable pattern to this blog and, I suppose, my days: whenever I am not running as much as I’d like to be, I start complaining about other aspects of my life. I am so tired, wah! Work is so hard, parenting is so thankless, wahhh! Nobody loves me, WAHHH! It’s kind of like PMS. Actually, it’s exactly like PMS: I even feel fat and unattractive.

But now that I am back to running, I can stop feeling sorry for myself and write about running again. Click away if that’s not what you came here for, no hard feelings.

My Aunt Patti asked me about upcoming races and running in the comments to another post, so here we go (Hi, Aunt Patti! I am so sorry about your toe.)

First things first: I had a check-up today at the hospital, including x-rays. The break has healed under the plate and the bone has hardened. Most of the pain is gone but I still cannot move my arm very well. Today the doctor asked me to raise both my arms and I held them as high as I could. I was hoping for a “Good” but instead got a clearing of the throat and “Continue with the physical therapy.” He made no mention of the physical therapist’s tape on my shoulder to relieve some of the stress of running and I certainly wasn’t about to bring it up.

I have been gradually ramping up my runs. Ok, so maybe it hasn’t been so gradual. Regardless, I am still nowhere near where I was the day before I fell and broke my arm. My training was just about to start peaking then! I felt fantastic! Not so much now.

On the bright side, my first week back, i.e. last week, I managed about 35 miles and this week I will hit at least 40, which is about my usual. Today I ran 10 miles without any pain (or Ibruprofen!) and Sunday morning I will attempt a half marathon that I had signed up for in January.

Originally I’d had high hopes for this race, but they have been significantly downsized to aspiring to a fairly painless finish in as far under two hours as possible. It is kind of a test.

If it goes well, I’ll run the Rome marathon. If it doesn’t, who am I kidding?, we all know I’ll run the Rome marathon anyway.

Posted in running | 2 Comments